very first diary experiance..EVER! : )
Where to begin...
Well..today, or yesterday rather I was introduced to diaryland by one of my dear online pals..Pebbies. *sigh* i love that girl...and so here I am.
I think this is such a good thing for me bc I've got huge communication issues. I'd rather hold it in and explode then battle it out when it happens. Maybe this will allow me to let out a little steam when needed : )
Back to Pebbies..
I am sooooooo glad there is another person besides myself (although i know there are many others bc of our everyday dependable aol crew) that is like in love with their aol friends. My boyfriend makes me feel soooooooo bad about my online relationships. Ugh..the other day I was at my cousin's house checkin in with my buddies and my mom goes "ugh i hate her this is all she does" WHATEVER! what is that supposed to mean? I don't understand what the big deal is about having online friends. When u really think about it its the same thing as offline friends! My little sister is on the phone 24/7 no one finds anything wrong or obssesive about that but let me sign online for 30 min and i'm a weirdo. Same thing..the phone line is still in use and I'm chatting with a friend...except aol is better bc u get more than one friend at once...its like a get together all day long lol
I AM NOT A LOSER! and the group of people I've associated with are really good people. I relate to them more than I relate to my family sometimes...and definately more than the friends I've had my whole life...which brings me to another thing..like I can't stand my friends. I kinda hate them lol I love them but i hate them. I don't think they are very bright and they are losers. All they want to do is club and mess around with guys (which has gotten them no where other than pregnant) and club..or did i mention clubs already? i'm sure i have but thats how they are..the word club is in everyother sentence. ugh they disgust me..like...my bestfriend...I'm not sure how she even became that...its like she started calling me her bestfriend one day so bc she referred to me this way I felt like I had to do the same. I didn't really like her on day one but I needed to get to know her....{i went to a pvt school..all white...6 blks in the whole school grades 6-12, 2 hispanic, 1 asian....needless to say..we all needed to get a long...we needed a support system, and she was brand new...} sooo I befriended her. But her attitude sucks. She's evil..she's the type of girl that never has anything nice to say unless its ugh..club related...her face is always scrunched up into some scowl...she's mean..has a horrrrrrible attitude and her priorities are screwed. She's also closed minded and racist and dumb and needy and helpless. I'm not your mother! stop making me play the roll. We've been friends for like 7 years now but I don't think she's really my friend. I think we've gotten comfortable with each other and I'm used to her being around..and she's been here when I went through alot..and boy have I gone through a lot but she hasn't been there ya know? Like, I think I've confused her physical presence during bad times with a true friend who is emotionally and mentally present. In terms of that she's always been absent. She never listens..she just passes judgement without knowing the facts or just flat out ignores me. I really do think she could care less. You can't get out 2 words without the convo centering around her and she talks nonsense. She'll talk your head off for 5 hours about Michael Jackson and get upset if u interupt her with a tragic story about your grandmother dying. Its sickening. And did I mention she was irresponsible and needy? I think once u are 21 years old with a 2 year old son U should begin to be able to think on your own. The other day she looses her text book (how do u loose a textbook) and calls me hysterical .."omg i lost my book what should i do" I tell her to go to her bookstore its sold out..ok well did u try the school library? The first thing she says "which one?" umm its your school u should know where to find the resources..next she tells me she can't get into the libraries bc she never went to get her campus ID...but here's the kicker...SHE'S A JUNIOR! 3 YEARS AND U DON'T HAVE AN ID?! so i tell her to go to her proffessor or find a friend to go to the library..find a classmate to copy the book from...look it up online..call umd's campus bookstore stuff like that...she asks me how to search for a text book online...mind u this is a 3rd year college student. I just wanted to smack her. When we go out to eat she asks me to order for her bc she's scared to order herself. Thats the type of child i'm dealing with and i'm tired of it. She's draining but I love her...how do u say to someone I love u but until u grow up leave me alone? ugh..
I wonder where my boyfriend is. I haven't spoken to him since earlier yesterday morning at like 8 am. Ok so my sleep pattern was destroyed due to my midnight shift at work and I didn't wake up until like 8 pm ..but.when i signed on his away message was on..he had to have come back to the comp bc he changed it to something different but he didn't speak...jerk! he could have at least said hi...he pisses me off too but thats a whole nother story..i just wish he were a little bit more ..romantic...a little more sensitive..a tad bit more...well..mushy..it kinda hurts me that I like need to hear from him just to have a normal day and he can go weeks without speaking to me and not bat an eye. It's bad enough he's 5 hours away and I seem him like every 5 months but like ...he could care less if he even speaks to me each day. then when he does he acts like a little kid..not that i'm complaigning cuz I love that about him ..he's so funny..but i just wish that sometimes he'd have something to say to me other than type out lyrics to songs and make fun of me...*sigh* o well
I really miss Ant..I emailed him yesterday lol I keep checking the status this morning to see if he's gotten it *sigh* kinda pressed i know lol but i miss my friend.
I hope all is well between he and his girlfriend. I'm debating whether I want to tell my boyfriend I'm doing this diary thing or not. Its a good way for him to know what i'm thinking about and going through bc sometimes I have a really really hard time expressing myself to him....but then again..he's so judgemental and well there are some things I may say that I dont want him to know...who knows...9 times outta 10 i'll tell him bc well I tell him everything lol
*sigh* i love that boy..but anyway..I think i've yapped really long to u all considering this is my very first entry in my very first diary EVER! and i'm sharing it with strangers lol...
LOL! so the mister signed on while i'm writing to u all..and of course I tell him right away I'm writing in my diary...i tell him that he has access if he wants bc its online..and he calls me a bamma *sigh* like i knew he would...how does he know this may be something important to me? thats what i mean..insensitive..he speaks before thinking about how his words may affect me..And they have a huge impact on me. Everything he says affects me. I care what he thinks of me and sometimes his opinions hurt. He writes off the things i do like its nothing and it hurts. HE tells me that he doesnt' care what i think if i do it back to him and that hurts to cuz if u love someone..how can u not care about their opinion? *sigh*
guess I'll ask him again if he wants to know how to read this or not..and if he is mean i wont ever mention it again lol typical day in the life of he and i..well..i'm leaving...u can believe i'll be back cuz like EVERYDAY he makes me angry lol there's always something.
ok peace out
2002-04-12/6:52 a.m.