June 3rd should be removed from the calandars
today has been one of THE worst! I should have known it was going to be an awful day considering i woke up at the time I was supposed to have been clocking it at work. Then i sign on to check email and he's got "don't talk to me for 3 weeks" I have no idea what i've done to warrant a "don't talk to me for 3 weeks" especially when he graduates in 3 weeks and will be home. Don't talk to u till u come home? What does that mean? OMG..so I go to work and everythings cool...my spirits kinda lifted a bit..(i'm weird..i kinda LOVE my job..being at work makes me happy sometimes..especially when there is actually WORK today and i'm not standing around bored..and good managers and employees are there..i have so much fun lol)
but then..omg one of the boys from June 3, 2000 walked into my line.
I didn't know how to respond. I was kind of frightened because I didn't know how he would respond. I'm not sure how this whole situation has been handled since I never pressed charges but police wanted to investigate anyway. I wasn't sure if he'd be like "that bitch" or something...i was scared. But..he barely looked at me even though he was RIGHT IN MY LINE and i couldnt' stop staring at him. It was almost as if he had no idea who i was. What if he doesn't? How unbelieveably fucked up would that be? I mean..not that I want him to know me ...but how can a person do something so incredibly horrible to a person and forget who the person is! I mean omg..do u do things like that so often to girls that u can't remember who is who and who u did what to? FUCKED UP..i wanted to jump over my register and stick the pins to the sensor's in his eyes....
Coogi...thats what he was talking about...Coogi sweaters vs. the t-shirts and jeans..how he could never allow himself to be seen in coogi anything unless its a sweater and how he'll stick to D&G jeans. OMG what a shallow asshole. I HATE HIM.
I can't believe it'll be 2 years on June 3rd. Sometimes it feels like it happened 2 days ago. Especially days like this. But on to some better stuff...
So by the end of my shift at work i was happy....our head manager was even being silly and we actually had an intellectual conversation for like the first time in a year...I got to know my fellow employees a little better..it was nice : )
So I go to GIANT with mommy and the cute boy was at work : ) He's so cute and clean cut lol...and OMG one of the funnier customers today that was joking with me was in my line..and he made this big scene...I was sOOO embarassed..HE was like "old navy girl! heyyyyyyyyy gurlllll..u rang me up today..your momma is sexy.."
OMGG!!!! my mom was right there she just started laughing lol..then he started yappin about the clothes in clearance and asked me to call him..umm for what? lol
I will not be your personal old navy clearance section shopper..ugh! "call me when those pants go from 12.99 t0 2.99" ok el cheapo
Then i come home..and check my bf's away message to see if he's at the computer or gone out somewhere "WHO CARES....I'm gone.." is what it said..topped off my shitty ass attitude for the night...I hate it when he gets mad and I have no idea why..so fucking stupid.
But..duna duna the best news of the night...ANT WAS ON! yeshhh! he was in the room with us and EVERYTHING! i was soo happy...then omg! he blew me....he IMd me to tell me what had happend and the reasons he hadn't been on...OMG i couldn't fucking believe him..like...if i let u in my circle...i expect a lot from u...I expected so much from him..he really really let me down..I thought he was better than that...OMG i was so mad at him. I coulda cried...I think i need to stop expecting so much from people...9 times outta 10 they let me down..HOW THE FUCK CAN U PREACH TO ME WHEN YOUR OUT HERE DOIN WORSE?! i was blown...
So i was trying to fight the urge to call the man...but it got to me..i had to know why he was mad ...his fucking reason? "bc u said yourself in your diary u pissed me off" umm yeah! THE OTHER FUCKING DAY! i thought we were over it and had moved on....guess not...I had...sorry u couldn't...shit wasn't even that serious..dumb shit..but whatever...
I swear I'm gonna become a hermit...like I can't stand people...they piss me off, disappoint me, hurt me, make me cry....but I have this dependence on them..I need to surround myself with people at all times..I feel this compelling need to be around people all the time...even though they repulse me....maybe i'm even more afraid of myself than I am of others...Alone time scares me...but i need it. I've really got to get to know me..I'm sick of everybody else telling me "WHO I AM" I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS WHO THE FUCK I AM but right now i don't and bc i don't they can't and they think they do! how can u know me..when i don't know myself? I'm experimenting with different "me's" right now..u think u know..but u have no idea..
I swear I'm suicidal..but i'm too scared to do it..maybe i'm bipolar..my mood swings are a bitch! and they are extreme..i'm from one end of the spectrum immediately to the other....no inbetween..i'm strange but i love it lol
works for me...ah! i feel like punching my hand through a wall..I hate it when he's mad at me..and I hate myself for needing him. Like i'm so dependent on his thoughts about me...if he's mad at me..i'm like gonna hit rock bottom that day..cuz i can't function knowing he's upset with me. I hate it. I've gotta work on that.
I feel sooo sick. I ate almost a whole pan of rice krispy treats to "drown my sorrow in food" I'm gonna puke lol
OMG! this song was in the movie "DIVAS" i didn't know somebody really sang it..i knew it was fimiliar..DUH! LOL
I think i'm gonna watch "GIA" or "Girl Interrupted" tonight...oddly even tho those movies are extremely depressing...they make me feel sooooo much better...weird...i'm afraid to go to bed tonight...i can't stop thinking about june 3rd..i'm gonna have nightmare bc i'm having frights right now...I'm about to cry...June 3rd has sooo destroyed me. I dont think anyone knows I suffer emotionally from it the way that I do. I rarely talk about it..and when i doi think i dont let on too much emotion unless I'm talkin to my bf..I dont even talk to my mom about it..but i think i'll end up in her bed tonight..Man i like..can't be home alone cuz i think somebody is gonna get me..everytime the doorbell rings I'm scared to open it cuz i think it'll be one of those people with a gun to kill me for going to the police even tho i never pressed charges. When i have to catch the metro home from work and its late..or mom is late picking me up when its late..i get scared and if a man walks near me i think he's gonna hurt me...only guy i'm not afraid of is my bf..this shit sucks! I try to be so strong all the time and inside i'm dying..like i'm no where near as strong as i let on...
LOL! this guy...told me the other day..his impression of me,..."i'm some cheery always happy peppy hyper..do gooder" OMG! if he only knew I only smile so people dont' know how miserable I am lol If I were white I'd probably be a miserable gothic person..
and i'm so bad about praying...like I'm even afraid to talk to GOD about it even though i know he can make it all better...to even pray about it..i've gotta face my problems and fears..and I can't...I'll pray he gives me strength...ugh I'm crying..i hate crying LOL
I wanna call aggy back..but he's angry
he's the only person who can make me feel better right now..but i know i wont admit to him i'm upset i'll just be really quiet then he'll get upset bc he's already upset and he'll think i'm upset at him or some shit and it'll just amount to us getting frustrated him gettin off the phone rudely and me hangin up in tears....*sigh*
maybe i'll read...no i'm gonna watch " Girls Town" or should i watch "GIA" who knows...maybe i'll finish my book...Angela Davis is one cool chickadee..ooo i can't forget to check the girl's diary before bed lol see if she's begun the "spring break chronicles" lol
2002-04-14/2:38 a.m.