a million pounds lighter
hi remember me?
haven't been here in a while. I was afraid to write a little because i know i have a tendency to ramble and just spill stuff out and there were some things i didn't want to write about.
I CAN NOW!
relief!
So i'm pregnant. big news eh?!
i know. its crazy. don't know how the fuck this happened. I used to be on the pill but i stopped cuz i always forget to take the shit. We used a condom. We've never not used a condom.
I had no idea i was pregnant isn't that funny? lol.
i mean i had cramps towards the end of the month..thought i was coming on..but it never showed...i went to the gyno for my annual pap smear..thats it thats all..came out pregnant go freakin figure!!!!
the news devastated me.
My boyfriend recently...allllll he talks about is law school. He's so psyched about it. get me the LSAT prep book..blah blah...how could i be pregnant when he wants to go to law school?
I HAVEN'T FUCKING FINISHED SCHOOL! not that i even know if i want to cuz school fucking sucks..but i know that i have to AND I'M NOT DONE! HOW CAN I BE PREGNANT?!
i haven't told my mom. I can't. think she'll put me out. I want to so badly sometimes but she'll cry. who knows what i'm gonna do. My cousin is handling everything for me..shes such a grown up sometimes lol
and is playing the role mommy would've played but who knows what mommy's gonna say. ITs so hard keeping this from her tho cuz i tell my mom EVERYTHING!
she's been hanging out in my room alot recently..and its hard to be all huggy huggy with her and joking around and have her kiss my forehead and tell me she loves me when i know i'm holding back something like this.
I'm not having it. I can't have it. But i feel torn about it cuz I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. God coulda done this on purpose. This can be a blessing in disguise and i'm gonna ruin it. I plan to be with my boyfriend forever if he wants the same ( *sigh* ) so the way i see it is ..there will be plenty of opportunity for us to start a family 10 yearssss from now when we are settled in life and married....but....this is something GOD did....how many people get pregnant when a condom was used?
this is some kinda freak accident. I'm scared. AH well..i'm a big girl.
What if we get married and try again and I can't get pregnant later?
LIFE SUCKS! this shit sucks
and it hurts! i thought it wasn't supposed to hurt until the thing started kicking and then labor!
IT HURTS NOW! period cramping aint nothing like these kinda cramps! I'll never complaign again! my goodness! lol
and i'm already eating like crazy. maybe its all in my head lol
but alll i freakin do is eat! i have to eat like a complete fucking meal every hour. I get sooooo hungry. And its not like..i'm hungry hungry cuz i can actually feel my tummy is full...and feel it stretching but i'm still hungry!a hunger that can't be craved. As soon as i eat i'm fine for about 30 min..then i'm hungry again. I'm gonna be a fat slob. This shit sucks.
A HUGE FUCKING FAT ASS COWWWWWWWWWW
i'm not gonna be able to fit into any of my new dresses : (
ugh!
will my boyfriend still love me if i become fatter than him? lol i hope so
hopefully this shit'll be over this week. I called about the abortion pill againnnnn today. Tried to make an appt last week ...i called today...maybe i'll get in...if not..its gotta be surgical...i'm scared of that....i do not want a vacuum stuck up my cooch.
The pill is simple...u go for visit 1...take a couple of pills...hormone shit...progesterin (spelling) go in on day 2..take another pill....go home..go into labor (sounds crazy i know..but the way i figure it..its a mass of tissue..no bones yet..shouldn't have to dialate that much...shouldn't be thatttt bad....not as bad as a vacuum up my cooch!) and then u have to go potty and out comes mass of tissue.
typing that shit out seems gross. OMG I hate myself. how can i be doing this? last week IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK came on. All of those women...dang..i cried. Abortion is a bitch. i dunno if i'm gonna be for pro-choice anymore even tho i'm doing it. it just doesn't seem right. Its not right. I'm killing myself. I'm killing him. Y'd this have to happen?
By the way..i kept the news from my boyfriend. I finally told him I JUST KNEWWWWWWW he was gonna say i cheated and roll out. cuz we've gone through alot of stuff...i have cheated in the past....its usually what he thinks...so i thought he'd think that...i mean we used a condom! shit if i were him i woulda accused me of cheating too!
but he didn't. he said he wasn't angry...and he wasn't leaving...just upset i didn't come to him first..which i knew in my heart is what i should have done. *sigh*
he's so perfect. I love him. He' so sweet and perfect sometimes...This is one of those times....as much as i doubt him and how much he cares about me...he always pulls through when i need him most. HE loves me. I love him. He's perfect.
2002-04-29/5:59 p.m.