Always and Forever....
diaryland has new options..we're moving up in the world huh man? lol
aah renitz and her hun are hurting me. I see my relationship in those too a lot..we all make a lot of silly mistakes...do a lot of silly things..say a lot of things we don't mean....and are always looking for an easy way out. When your in the situation you don't see it...all u see is darkness around u and u think things are doomed to fail..but when your on the outside looking in..u see all the peep holes lettin a little light in. Its up to us to work to find it. Giving up isn't the way. If you love somebody you'll find your way out.
I'm crying. I'm so freaking emotional. I'm already an emotional person but everything today has made me cry.
** Oooo good news..Renitz's cousin got his stitches out! yay! he's ok..as is Tubby's mom....now we just have to patch up renitz and tubby's relationship : ) IT WILL BE DONE! **
Talking to my boyfriend today...and then kinda reflecting on our convo and our relationship these past two years. Man...he really is perfect. And i need him in my life. He..i dunno..things are just so much easier when he's around. He's like ..i dunno man..lol i'm bawling like a baby....i love him.
We've come so far and have been so close to ending things for good. At this point i really couldn't imagine life without him. I'm such a bitch.
I've done so many things to hurt him. Y would i do that to him? He's never ever ever done anything to hurt me. EVER...other than when i attack him but still then..he's only defending himself against my bitchiness. I'm a pretty selfish girl..to the point where i think it may be a disorder..seriously lol
sounds cooky i know..but..like...its so easy for me to do some fucked up shit to a person....i mean really fucked up life altering shit to a person..and not give a fuck. I wont even think twice. Even tho i'm emotional and people think i'm really nice..i'm not. I'm only nice when it benefits me...and i'm only emotional when something has affected my life. If i'm not gettin anything outta the deal i could give a fuck. I'm pretty self-absorbed. dunno y. Before i used to just feel sorry for myself cuz my life has been so shitty and that was my excuse for being all about "me me me" cuz i felt as though i was owed something..then it evolved into a "i'm all that..i'm invincible" type selfishness....if u weren't on my team fuck u..now i don't know what it is..but i'm still a selfish bitch. Man all my fucking issues with self and others and life coulda really ruined my future with him. I don't think there's any guy out here who could ever compare to him if he were to leave. The way he makes me feel when i'm with him..the way he looks at me..his eyes are the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen. He's not a mushy person...he wont say it...or physically show it...but if u get to know him..u can tell how he feels by his eyes...they are so honest. His smile..his hands....when he hugs me..when he brushes his hand up against my cheeks...i'm a lucky girl. He makes me feel like a princess. Everything i've never had...i feel as though he gives it to me. Everything any male has ever stolen from me....he's replaced it. Before him i was just a big hole.. nothing but hurt and anger in my heart. He's healed all of that. All i can say to him is thank you ...i know it hasn't been easy..i'm a head case....i know i was a burden...i know i dropped a lot of heavy baggage on him that i should have let go of a long time ago...but he dealt..and he helped me deal....i'll love him forever. I can't wait for him to come home : )
I kinda feel shitty about how i've been treating my sister..just cuz i'm so evil..I've dreamt of killing her for the past couple of nights lol..i really hate the bitch. This morning she fucking...such a dumb ass whore...she fucking takes the wet wash cloths that were in the sink...and my pj's that were on the floor...when she was washign out the tub she got the shit wet....throws the soaking shit on my bed on top of me while i'm sleep! i wake up with wet shit all over me. y the fuck couldn't she have put it in the hamper? if she wanted to make a statement..y not throw it on my floor? y in my fucking bed while i'm sleeping? She just does shit for no reason. I was fucking pissed. IT was early and i didn't feel liek fighting so i filled a glass bottle with scalding hot water...dumped the shit over her head...and then threw it at her. I was fucking pissed. I was thissssssssss close to punching her in her face and breaking her fucking nose. She really doesn't wanna fuck with me cuz i'll hurt her ass. I really will....she knows it too..when i walk past her she flinches....that bitch knows whats coming...dont know y she keeps testing me. i haven't busted her ass in like 2 or 3 years...i'll make up for lost time if she does another thing to piss me off...gosh i fucking hate her. lol i know its not cool to hate your siblings..but i hate this bitch...if something were to happen to my mom i'm pretty sure we would only speak to each other and see each other at family functions. none of that sisterly love best friend type shit. fuck her. i can't wait till she goes away to school. i hope she never comes back. i hope a terrorist bombs her dorm while she's awake and looking through the window and she sees it coming and she burns slow. ugh i'm evil..but i hate her.
i'm sick lol..i think the meanest shit sometimes.
my tonsils are swollen as fuck..i can't even talk barely lol..i sound weird...
if i go to the emergency room i think they always piss test ya to see if your pregnant..ALWAYS..dumb asses...my mom always goes with me in the room with the doctor and holds my hand..thats a no go..she'll find out! lol
guess i'll endure the pain even tho i can barely breathe lol
i'm gonna call my old pediatrician..not really old cuz i still go to her..i know its time to leave but i can't! lmao last time i went she said " your 21 soon..the next time u try coming back her i'll lock u outta my office" i know she was kidding..she kinda wasn't but she'll see me still..she's a close family friend. I'll just go to her house and hunt her down! anyway....i'll call her...tell her my tonsilitis flared up..see if i can talk her into removing these peices of shit and get her to write me a perscription...have her fax it to mommy or mommy go pick it up. we'll see. i've got a fever too shit..
anyhoo....i'm gonna go call the mister...cuz i kinda wanna hear his voice right now..its comforting...
night...
2002-05-01/12:20 a.m.