Fucking Frustrated!
y does he always have to ruin shit? i was sooo happy with him and with him being home and then he expresses his dumb ass opinions.
He swears i'm hiding some superduper secret from him and keeping all this shit from him and i'm not.
"i'm not marrying anyone who is keeping stuff from me"
Keeping what?!!!
what the fuck am i supposed to be hiding?
he says in my diary i said "i've done really fucked up shit to him"
yeha and he knows about it.
I cheated on him. twice. Even tho i cheated and knew it was wrong and he would worry that i'd do it again...i'd still have guys call, and chat with tons of em online knowing damn well he hated it and didn't trust it even when he asked me not to. He'd break up with me over it and i'd do it anyway and act like it was no big deal. The way i feel for him now....As much as I love him...and the way that he's been there for me over these past 2 years and put up with my bullshit and loved me anyway...yeah the shit i did and my attitude back then was truly fucked up.
He says no thats not it. I'm hiding something and the truly fucked up shitis shit ive never told him cuz back when i cheated and we first broke up..i didn't think it was that fucked up.
Y can't he believe that people change? If i say something on Sunday 3 years from that Sunday even if i'm experianced something that would have made my initial thoughts about the matter wrong...if he asks me about it and i've changed my mind he thinks its bullshit. I'm supposed to always feel the same no matter what. He acts like people don't change. Like its impossible for them to change. Characters in books and movies change! I'm a real fucking person! Of course i'm gonna change!
I was 18 when I met him. I'm almost 21.
Does he really expect me to think and feel the same things that i did when i was 18? People grow. When u grow up and mature u'r thoughts and opinions tend to evolve. I'm sure he doesn't feel the same way he did about kissing a girl when he was 5 at the age of 22.
Thats like having a little kid eat some candy off the ground when their 6 and not care about the germs and the consequences of eating the dirty mess and then at the age of 10 when they know more about bacteria and the dirty ground and what its like to be sick..to see somebody eat off the ground and still think its no big deal. Yeah right! People fucking change!
So he's saying he wont commit until i confesss all my deepest darkest sins...what's the point of being together? At this point when the relationship is this serious...its obvious that your working together to stay together forever kinda..What is he gonna do? Still be with me and we'll be 50 years old still with no lifelong commitment made cuz he's still waiting on some fucking big ass secret that doesn't exist?!
Seriously!!!!!!
gosh!
He's so smart but he's THE most closed minded person i've ever met in my life. There's only one way people can possibly be to him and it frustrates the shit outta me. Once he said the reason i was probably such a wild teenager was bc my parents sheltered me. I think he's wrong. I know y i was fucked up and thats not it. Based on his opinions about how life and people work..he's the one that was fucking sheltered.
*sigh*
Whatever...i'll just be me....and either he'll get over his hangups or he wont. IF he doesn't and doesn't think he can he needs to leave me alone.
I love him. I'll love him forever. He's my life. But if he'll never learn to trust me and if he'll forever have in the back of his mind that i'm keeping something from him and thats gonna hold him back from loving me back completely...i dont need it. ITs not fair to me. I've told him my whole life story. Shit i've never told my mother. Shit that really really really has nothing to do with him and doesn't affect him in anyway and i didn't have to tell him i've told him. And thats not enough. And i did all that willingly.. He didn't have to force shit out of me. Y he thinks i'm hiding something still beats the shit outta me but i'm gettin sick of the shit. Shit'll seem soooooo perfect then all of a sudden he'll say dumb shit. I bet he doesn't even think this kid is his.
*sigh*
whatever.
2002-05-17/10:58 a.m.