i fucking hate u...i really do : )
FUCK YOU
I can't fucking believe u just did that shit. HOW THE FUCK COULD U HAVE JUST DONE THAT SHIT?!?!
I TELL U I LOVE YOU...AND U TURN AROUND AND LEAVE ME? I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU. OMG I FUCKING HATE YOU! HOW THE FUCK DO U GET OFF TREATING ME THE WAY U DO?! HOW THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I EVER DONE BUT TRIED TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE U?!?!!?
I FUCKING
you say...i hate you...u ask me y do i hate you i tell u i don't. I tell you i love you...i tell u i wanna spend the rest of my life with u...today i tell you i'm willing to go against anything my mother says to be with you...i'll relocate for you...BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!!
HOW THE FUCK DO U JUSTIFY BREAKING MY HEART JUST TO GUARENTEE A COMFORT ZONE FOR YOURS?!
I go out..you question where i've been. I tell you. Before I speak to u, u leave a message..yes its calm and collected but the shit is also sarcastic "at hanes point again?" What the fuck is that supposed to mean...i didn't do shit wrong the first time i went there and didn't go there now! You only care about your fucking self. You dont wanna be a fool so you question my every move cuz u dont wanna feel like u've been dumb....what the fuck about me?! your controlling and a sick fucking bastard. You tell me i can go out ..shit u tell me to go out u say u dont give a fuck..when i do...its a problem..u fucking...sneak behind my back get my voicemail passwords check my messages and never tell me....bc u love me right? No its bc your worried about your god damned self..that shit aint fuckin love! YOUR A SICK FUCKING BASTARD...thats what the fuck you are...
THis shit right here....u .....this shit is the reason y i was who i was when u met me.....this shit....this is y i fucked around and played around and didn't give a fuck about who i hurt ....cuz of this shit right here...
YALL NIGGAS AINT SHIT! from my father till you...u've done nothing but verbally abuse me..call me fat..ugly..stupid..dumb...an idiot...you physically assult me....choke me against fences ...beat me with wooden pattles that grown men get beat with when hazing in fraternities....u beat me so hard u break my finger and i'm only 12....when i turn 13 and still a virgin and your in your 40's u rape me and make me shut up. A year later You get my friends drunk lock them in a basement and rape me in a locked room for all your friends to see. Eventually you get jobs as bouncers in nightclubs where your duty is to protect me...instead u hold me and flash my breasts to your other bouncer friends. A year later you set me up and plan out a gang rape and put me in the hospitol and then have the nerve to say after hearing my screams..."if i had known they were hurting u i would have done something" ....you get in a relationship with me....trick me into believing you loved me...believing you cared...believing you'd help me get through the pain and fucked up shit that was clogging my heart disabling me from loving you then u turn around and leave me to protect your own emotions.
I kept telling you I loved you...u kept sayin u hate that mushy shit.
You turn around and ask me y do i hate you....i respond and tell u i dont hate u i only love you...and u dont believe me. I ask you what the problem is...you say u dont know. I ask u y u aren't happy...u say u are.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING LOVE A MAN...i asked u....what am i doing wrong? i told u....teach me...what do u need from me ...what is it i can do to make things better...you say u dont know...shit..u can't even figure out what the problem is....yet u say i hate you...
you tell me its a problem that i never speak up when u hurt me...that i can't communicate with u unless its in the form of an email...that i shouldn't hold things in that hurt me until i just cry..that i should tell u when it happens....when i start speaking out and trying to inform u...u tell me its "not that serious"... i'm "focusing on the miniscule things"... or i'm "too sensitive"....when i take a tougher approach i'm a bitch...and all i do is argue all the time... now a days....
i try to show u i love u....i try to make love to you..u tell me not to look at your face while u kiss me...not to look at you while u love me...you even sometimes glance at the tv....
i call and u say "idiot" or u say "hold on redskins highlight" or...i'm watching a movie (that fucking COMES ON OVER AND OVER AND OVER THAT YOU'LL WATCH AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND CAN CATCH AGAIN AND AGAIN CUZ U EITHER OWN THE SHIT OR ITS ON YOUR FREE GOD DAMNED PAPER VIEW AND WILL REPLAY ALL DAY EVERYDAY FOR MONTHS AT A TIME!) AND I HANG UP AND SAY OK!
then when i stop calling its "u never call and just talk to me anymore"
i tell you why and its "i didn't ask the reason y u dont call ...u just dont call right?"....yeah your right...and u dont ask the reason cuz u wanna justify the way u treat me..if i dont tell u the reason u can ignore your own wrong...or when u finally let me speak about y i dont call i'm "focusing on the minsicule things again"
FUCK U! u dumb ass motherfucker! its the little shit that got out relationship so fucking fucked up!!!! the little shit that was bypassed that ended up creating this big shit that fucked everything up!
dont u know the way relationships fucking work?
its like a roof on a house....u get a tiny little crack in the corner and say.."hmm..its tiny...
miniscule" i'll worry about it later or not at all...." then the crack spreads and other tiny cracks begin forming until the whole fucking roof caves in...u get the picture right? kinda like...what happend to us *smile*
but u know what...i think even if the tiny shit had been fixed...shit woulda worked out the same cuz YOUR A SELFISH FUCKING ASSHOLE!
yeah..your mother still tells me she prays for me and doesn't understand how i deal with you...NEITHER DO I!
u see...i dont know how to love a man...my father beat me...he used to make my mother cry...i hated him and prayed for his death and then he died...he wasn't around long enough for me to learn from his relationship with my mother and how a wife should be a wife...
after his death all the males i knew...raped me...stole THE thing that was most valuable to me then threw it back at me like it didn't even mean anything....
Those fuckers that raped me? I bet they couldnt' even tell u my name....
shit...after all the shit i had been through..i couldnt' even fucking love myself never the less u!!!!
and u knew that! u saw it and u stayed..u told me u loved me....u made me think we'd work it out...i tried ...i tried hard to love you...but u wouldn't accept it...nothing i did was good enough for you.
what would have been an ideal relationship for u....would have been for me to ...stay home...not work (unless there are no male customers or coworkers)....have no friends (unless they isolated themselves from hangin out)....stay locked in my room waiting on u....then when u arrive home from work...sit in your face and answer to your ever whim so your heart could be at peace....so your mind wouldn't wander and so you wouldn't let YOUR imagination get the best of u ...thinkin i'm out doing god knows what with god knows who...cuz in your mind i'm still just a freak....i'm still just a whore....after u would make love to me u would call me a freak anyway right? if i told u i wanted to make love to you you would tell me i was a freak...u may not have intended it in a bad way....but the way u said it....stayed with me and always will.....made me feel....dirty. And i tried hard to love you anyway....
we kept breakin up and gettin back breakin up and gettin back....and yeah..i did my shares of "i'm leaving...please baby i'm sorries" but its bc i used to numb myself to how u really made me feel and force myself to think i was happy bc
lol what a fuckin fool....i always told u u reminded me of my father *smile*
*sigh* u thought u were a fool...no it was me....this has been one of THE most unhealthiest fucking situations i've ever been in in my life...u aint see the shit but i did....u've noticed i've gained hell of alot of weight right? u know y? Cuz everytime u make me mad...or make me sad...or make me cry...or didn't meet up to some expectation i had...i'd run str8 to my fridge...one week i spent over a hundred dollars at pizza hut...*sigh* numbs the pain a tad bit i guess....u had no idea huh?
come on man..what was i thinkin...praying and bettin this shit was gonna work out between me and u...
U COULDNT' EVEN LOOK MY MOTHER IN THE EYE WHEN SHE SAID HELLO TO U! thats fine your not comfy at my house or around her...but its a respect thing...outta respect for me certain shit shoulda been done....
you couldn't look at her...or carry a conversation with her....but between me and you you could joke about bonin her and how phat she was.,...hmm maybe thats y u couldnt' look at her..cuz u werre havin obscene sick thoughts ....who knows....
you thought u were a fool cuz i cheated on u the first 2 weeks of the relationship with a fucked up self image and outlook on love? nah....u weren't the fool ...i was to stay in a relationship i knew was killing me mentally physically and spiritually....
i used to love to go out....i LOVEDDDD going out and hanging out and doing diff stuff...nah i'm not a ghetto chicken head groupie bitch like u may wanna believe...i enjoyed doing shit like ..goin downtown to the museums...goin to diff festivals...diff independent films...art exhibits...diff plays....aint done none of that shit since i've been with u cuz i wanted to be with u and to be able to be with u i had to do shit richard wanted to do...u know...sit in your fucking house and stare at the back of your head while u watched whatever your latest intrest was on television...and i settled for it.
i was the stupid one...i lost my self....in you.....and u turned around and stomped on my soul....
i guess when i met u i had stumbled into some thick ass spider web...STUCK...couldn't move....couldn't see for the web was sticky and stuck in my eyes....just sittin...waitin...feeding off the bullshit u fed me..till u were ready to drain me of myself until u couldn't eat anymore....then when u left the web goes away and i look back to what used to be me and see clearly...see all that fucking happened and see all that i allowed to happen....i see...i see how fucking dumb and needy I WAS TO LET A MAN TAKE OVER EVERY PART OF ME!
guess its better i learned this lesson at 21 instead of 41 stuck in a marriage with 5 kids and depending on u to survive...better to get out while u've still got a chance to get your head above water right?
*sigh* i loved you..i still do...lol funny..cuz i always will cuz i'm a fucking fool...and u came along at the right time..i was needy and i needed u...i needed to love somebody just so i could learn how to love self....and u were there...
but u better believe i fucking hate you...
and as for relationships in the future? wont be none....o hell no..FUCK THAT!
i'm not goin through this shit again...its back to the same old me..cuz thats all that matters anyway is me....i gotta take care of self..if i dont love me who will...u taught me that *smirk*
i'll take from u what i need from you and keep steppin...
niggaz get on my nerves anyway..yall talk too fucking much.
Ricki is the only one that Ricki will give a fuck about and love from this point on.....fuck u....i hate u....hope u fucking learn something and learn how to love others more than u love self...too much self love is a sin....
but u dont care about sins.,..u could give a fuck about what the bible says ..sorry...i forgot....
I PRAY...for your future mate...cuz i've been there done that...takes a strong woman to survive...i'm glad my back wasn't strong enough.....now maybe i'll get to stand up tall and be the ricki i know and need to be...instead of hunching over under all your weight...being the ricki richard wants me to be....
have a nice one....CHase...
2002-09-25/11:59 p.m.