*sigh*

yes i'm still awake at 5:30 am thursday morning. Guess I shouldn't have taken that nap or at least not have slept until 10..o well...

I'm having the hardest time tonight coping with this breakup. Its the strangest thing. I don't feel the way i did with the other ones. Right now I feel sick to my stomach. Fucking sick.

I don't know if i'm sad, if i'm angry, if i'm relieved, i dont know anything. I've got a sour taste in my mouth and my stomach muscles are clenching, my belly has flip-flopped a few times and my eyes are glassy as if i'll cry but i haven't. Been like this all night.

The day of "the break" i felt nothing...at that time i really coulda cared less whether we kissed and made up but then again that could possibly be because we spoke that day laughin and jokin like we always do. Tuesday when he called bright and early to say he just didn't want to do this anymore, I was like fuck it...again...i didn't give a rats ass. Especially because of his reasoning. Ok now i'm crying...

I just don't GET HIM. OMG i do not fucking GET him. I believed i was his best friend and that he loved me. I still believe he loves me but i just dont GET HIM! or what's goin on between us. He would tell me he thought i could do better than him, that i'd meet some guy that would treat me better and love me better and make me happier than he could. What does that mean? Were those hints back then that he just couldn't do this? That it was just impossible for him to love me the way i need? Or that he just didn't want to love me? Did it mean he loved me so much that he was willing to let go in order for me to get what i need? But then if thats the case y wouldn't he just do what it took to give me the thigns i needed? And i didn't ask for anything, I dont know man..he might argue against this but at this point in the relationship i didn't ask him for anything. All i asked for was to see him and spendn time with him. Thats it..and he did it. I dont know what was so wrong i mean...we haven't had a problem no major problem since i can't even remember..since the last break up probably...Weve been FINE ..xmas time..the weeks after, i stayed almost every weekend at his house and we had FUN or at least i thought we did. I've become so dependent on knowing that he's there and that on the weekends all my problems end or if i'm stressed or bothered he's there at the tip of my finger tips...all i've gotta do is press 7 digits or takea 15 min drive...i dont understand him man....what'd i do? i dont understand. I thought we were happy. I kinda really believe this is best for me, esp considering the fact i HAVE become so dependent but DAMN man....sometimes i think its like impossible for somebody to love me. What is it about me that people can't fucking stay? Yeah i've got alot of friends...seems as ifpeople flock to me then its like they fuckin take what they need...drain me..and roll when they're full...nobody stays, nobody cares enough to think about how i feel. I mean come on...this whole "i dunno what your doin when u go out with these guys...and you go out with people all the time ...i know of a coupel of situations who knwos what u aren't telling me"

PUHLEASE!!!! BULLshit!! come on man!!!!

when do i have time to do thsi shit? seriously....i've told u EVERYTHING..i'm fuckin BARE man....NAKEd..u know ALL there is NOTHING i'm keeping from you...my goal isn't to be sneaky and hide shit and disrespect you..i dunno...i just dont see how u can fuckin believe i'm fuckin ruinin this relationship by disrespecting you....idunno...i guess i have gone out twice....which may i remind u....TECHNICALLY i'm not even WRONG...well i dont think i'm wrong period...but technically i'm DAMN sure not wrong for goin to the car dealership monday when WE WERENT EVEN TOGETHER!!!! WE WERE NOT EVEN TOGETHER!!! wtf? and i get penalized for the shit and u weren't even my man...u were on a haitus remember? on top of that...i'm with u in your bed fri-sun..if i'm not with u on the weekend i'm at work then i'm at your house your pickin me up from work so u know i'm there...if i go out..its with family..or leah...and recently that shit...fuck that....that shit was damn near obsolete since u've been home from school. U know my work schedules, when i'm at work i even call u from work, cal u when i get home, and when your sleeping u know wherei am,...if not at work i'm at home ONLINE playin spades and talkin to renita..WTF?

then your fuckin tellin me all the time...u should meet somebody else..there's somebody else out here that will do this do that....i dont wanna MEET ANY FUCKIN BODY ELSE!! then if i do something as simple as go to the mall with somebody i've known for 10 years and is in no way tryna get with me i'm wrong...how u gonna push me tellin me to find somebody else..but when the slight chance of somebody else coming along presents itself i'm cursed out and left? which one is it? u wanna keep me under lock and key yours and yours only not dealin with anybody else period or u want me to roll out and be with somebody else somebody who can provide for me better than u..which one? your mouth is sayin one thing, your actions another...and i dont even WANNA BE WITH ANYBODY ELSE!!

FUCK MAN! i'm SO confused. i dont understand anything. i dont even understand myself. i'm sitting here crying but i'm not sure if i'm sad. i dont know if i even wanna be in this relationship cuz its kinda sickening but at the same time i feel like i'm losing something major..like this shit is a mistake and ima end up regretting it if i stay away. then on top of it I'M FUCKIN LATE FOR MY PERIOD!!! my god man...he's my friend. you are my friend. I DONT WANNA START OVER!!! this is the first time in life i've ever truly let anybody in...i put all my fuckin guards down and this shit is fuckin GONE...i'm not doin that shit again..who the fuck wants to put themselves on the line over and over and keep startin over and over for the same result? talk about not givin a fuck...i dunno if i care anymore. i dunno what i care about anymore..i'm fuckin confused as hell....i dont even know what i'm typing about anymore i dont know shit....i'm ramblin nothin is clear to me right now..*sigh*

ima go read my book "Raising Fences..a black man's love story" this shit is depressin too lol

guess thats life

"i wish i wasn't in love with you so you couldn't hurt me...."

2003-02-06/5:36 a.m.