happy mothers day....

renita's diary put me in the mood to write. its been a long time. i should be sleeping. i've gotta be up at 6 but i need to get some things off of my chest. mainly involving richard.

he's so mean to me. i know he probably doesn't mean it, and i am mostly overly sensitive but he really hurt my feelings today. i just wanted to know he made it home safely, he back to richmond from md, just wanted to know he was ok an dhe totally flipped and told me not to call him anymore after 5. whatever. when i hung up i cried. i felt bad. and out of spite i decided that i would never call him ever again. i wouldn't want to be a bug-a-boo. maybe i'll rethink that, but then again it stings thinking about how he treats me and half the time its not worth calling anyway. he never talks to me anymore. he sits on the phone and sings or acts stupid. he doesn't open up to me about anything. even over the computer, its not the same from his end. its my fault. when he was giving me 110 percent i was absent. now i'm really trying an dhe's dissing me.

its just that i've been so confused and he doesn't understand. i left him so i wouldn't kill us. why can't he understand that? why can't he understand that i had to figure out for myself that my feelings for him were genuine. when we got together its like i needed him. i was so weak, broken, incomplete. i had so many issues with men.. had just gone through so much and he provided a shoulder; shelter and security that i hadnt' ever found in anyone before. he was genuinely my friend. a girl gets used to that. a specially someone who is needy and unhappy with themselves. they become dependent on that person that makes them feel good. i got lazy and didn't appreciate what i ahd because i KNEW i was secure with richard. then did that mean he was giving me the world and i was giving him nothing in return? was i settling because i felt safe? was i being unfair to him? allowing him to love me and not loving him back completely? i loved him i knew i did...but was it real? like true love? that kind of love? or did i love him for the support that he gave me? our relationship, was only gonna go two places...either apart or marriage. i wanted to make sure. i wanted to know for sure what i felt for him was genuine so i had to leave.

i talked to larissa the other day. she gave me a whole different perspective on who richard is for my life. i'm negative i guess. also afraid. i dont wanna end up like my mom. my mom was so dependent on daddy she took all kinds of shit from him and let him treat us like crap. i wasn't trying to be her. so i think i wanted to push richard away and wanted to think that i was just secure and not genuinely meant to be with him.

larissa said God places people in our lives for a reason. Richard WAS meant to be my knight in shining armor. He WAS placed in my life to offer security...but not just temorarily...i've had a hard life i've gone through a hell of a lot of shit...why shouldn't i deserve someone who would genuinely love me and support me? Richard put up with hell of a lot of shit from me...that should have told me something...God doesn't plan for him to go away...but then again i'm not so sure...i think he hates me. nothing feels the same anymore. before when i used to speak to him he made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Now i call an di'm excited..i hear hisvoice and get butterflies and the warm fuzzies..then after he hears mine and he responds again his voice is cold an dhe sounds annoyed and that shit hurts. thats it. i wont call anymore. i've made up my mind.

and its fucked up because all these people are coming out of the woodwork...now that E is settled with earth wind and fire working and recording his album he feels secure and keeps asking me to marry him. Steve decided to go to church one day, gets saved, and tells me he wants me to be his wife...what the hell is up with all of that? Leon keeps aking me to go to L.A. with him..i dont' even talk to his old ass anymore...i don't feel anything with anyone but richard..and then he makes me cry cuz he feels nothing for me. guess what goes around comes around.

ima die a miserable old lonely hag.

i was gonna come home on the 21st, i promised desiree i'd come for her birthday. but i think i should stay here. i'm really trying to be more responsibly..especially when it comes to finances..and i know if i come home, not only do i have to pay for my flight, but i'd be spending hell ofa lot of money hanging out with everyone.

i could use that money to pay off some bills. sooooo no i wont come. priorities. besides i'd end up missing school and i need to be there.

i love my new job at armani exchange. its a lot of fun and i'm learning a lot. its a great company to work for. i'm happy.

i'm glad i met larissa too. she's a good girl.

my relationship wtih my sister has gotten a lot better. i call her weekly and check on her. tell heri love her. she's getting her own apt off campus next year...ITS SCARY! she's growing up and i'm getting old. i told her i'd buy her her bedroom set for her birthday...*tryna break the bank* thank goodness for IKEA! lol

i love my mom. i need to grow up

this summer i was straight tripping hating her for never having a backbone and saving me from my father. fuck me for being like that...my mom is a fucking soldier! this woman put me and my sister through 15000 a year high schools, kept a roof over our heads, food on the table, and extra luxuries like new shoes and clothes, and computers, and tvs, and cable, and dsl internet, and vacations, things that my selfish ass took for granted by herself man. fuck me for not showing my mother earlier how appreciative i am for all she's done for me. AND SHES still taking care of us. STILL paying my tuition and my rent, and my bills, and my sisters tuition, and rent. fuck me. i'm a selfish bitch. my mom deserves the world. i wish i could do more for her i can't wait to finish school man

now when it hink about gettin out of school its no longer bc i wanna be able to work and buy high priced shit..i wanna get out so i can take care of my mom for once. i wanna pay HER mortgage...pay HER car note...make sure SHe's in the latest fashions or on a relaxing cruise somewhere kicking it with her friends...i want her to be able to retire and enjoy life. she hasnt' had a life since daddy died..she's been living for us. she deserves so much more.

happy mothers day mommy.

i've really been blessed man. despite the shit i've gone through in life it could way worse. i need to stop blaming my past on my future and let go and let God...holding this shit in for so many years did nothing but keep pouring salt on open wounds. its time to heal em.

i'm pretty emotional, i need to go to bed. i dont really wanna type anymore.

2004-05-10/1:14 a.m.