mid air

i feel like i'm suspended in time. not moving,staying idle,even though I'm moving forward.

I hate school. I've decided its really just not for me. It doesn't interest me no matter what the subject, and its sheer torture. I've gone from chemical engineering major to vocal performance, to business administration, to english, and now fashion marketing. I've attended 4 schools since 1999 and only have an associates degree. I fucking hate it.

I've hated school since 1st grade and its never changed. Everyone said "Rick college is different. You'll enjoy it when you find out you're doing something you like." That's not true. I love fashion, I adore fashion, I fucking hate fashion school. Period.

Everyone in my family has graduated from college. My mom and dad both got masters degrees from Howard working 2 and 3 jobs to get through. My sister who is 3 years younger than me is graduating this year and went straight through. All my cousin's, aunts, and uncles have degrees and some PHD's. Everyone in my family including the ones with the PHD's think I'm the smartest most talented one in the whole family, yet I can't seem to get through school. Last time I was home Aunt Katie said, "Rick don't come back to my house without a degree". At this point I feel like I wont ever be seeing her house again.

I have this one professor, man she is the bomb.com Mrs. Boothe. Constance Boothe. She inspires me. She gets me excited. I love hearing her speak and I love talking to her about life and politics and love and society and race and culture... but i hate talking to her about global fucking retailing. All this shit bores the fuck outta me. She calls me all the time "Ricki you're the brightest student I've ever had why are you slacking" cuz i didn't go to class. I have 50% attendance in all my classes scan the text books and still Ace the exams. This shit bores me. And if any of you know anything about the majority of the people interested in fashion they're all air heads. Its like the wanna be models that just didn't have the "it" factor so they decide they'll take the next best thing and they just wanna discuss where the next photo shoot is. I'm bored. I even scored an internship that most people dream of having. I work with a major designer tht sells out of Saks 5th Ave and Fred Segal and is making waves in all the fashion headlines. I mean I work directly under him and his partners and i'm still bored. Their conversation bores me, the job bores me, designing the clothes bore me after a day or two. I'm great at math, I'm great at solving problems creatively. I'm a decent writer, I speak well and I grasp almost anything given to me immediately and master it. So why the fuck can't I graduate? I don't know how to tell my mom that I want to stop this shit. I've wasted soo much of her money! 20g's in tuition since high school. 20-35gs a year for college since 1999. Plus her paying half my rent and other bills because she's helping her broke college student get over the hump. How do i turn around and tell her I just can't do this and this shit just aint for me? I feel like such a failure especially since my family measures success in degrees. Even my current boyfriend keeps telling me I GOTTA GET A FUCKING DEGREE! FUCK A DEGREE! SO MANY PEOPLE OUT HERE ARE MAKING IT WITHOUT DEGREES! Even if i could find an independent study program or strictly online classes I might be a bit better off. The hardest part of this shit is making it to class! I just can't fathom sitting 4 hours in a room twice a week to listen to bullshit after bullshit. Its boring. There are so many other things I can be doing. And i'm not gonna front my smart nerdy ass loves fucking boring ass retail. I LOVE WORKING RETAIL. I love the people I love the fast pace of it all, I love the dumb ass questions and I love the customers that challenge me. I love dressing mannequins, I love doing floor sets. I love it. I love direct selling. Its my thing and people LOVE me. I could sell water to a well. Nobody tells me no. It just comes so naturally. I can sell things I know nothing about EASY. I've just got that natural charisma *not to toot my own horn but toot toot* I've really been thinking about going into real estate. Its a lucrative career when you're in the right area. I know i'd do well in it. Between my love for sales and keen fashion sense I think I'd make people happy. I've also met some of the right people to market to an extremely high end clientele which would bring in a huge profit. Aside from that I really want to get into night club promotions and possibly own a club. I think i have a strong support group for that too. I know record industry execs personally and have friends that have done promotions for major artists and clubs. Its just that startup for a club, especially with the higher end clubs doing all the business now will be expensive. I'll need at least a mil just to get a great location and begin the interior design process. I partially wanna go back to the City. I miss my mom, I also fucking hate paying rent. I also love my space though. I love Atlanta. I almost feel like this is home now and I don't have a family here. Its really just me. I've been friends with Ron this whole time closely. I know people. I know a lot of people but I'm not close to them. I dont hang out with them on weekends. I really only used to hang out with ROn hard... parties, clubs.. and now I'm trying to pull myself away from him slowly. I just don't agree with his lifestyle anymore. He's gotten involved in some things I just don't want to be apart of. So now that just leaves me. Its really hard for me to make friends with women. I dont know why they don't like me. Even bitches i don't know don't like me lol. Its crazy. I'd go crazy though if i tried to figure it out so I don't. The only female friends I had here were my ex roommates, Jenene and Larissa. LArissa is now in Ny,Jenene is around but we aint that tight. I see her on occassion and then that leaves me again. All the other girls i know here are girls i used to screw and that just doesnt make a happy friendship lol. Living in buckhead I don't meet that many black boys (my kinda black boys) to befriend. I've gotten really close to Fleming (my old crush). I"d even go so far as to call him one of my best friends. but i wanna meet some real homies u know!? the kind like i had in dc. the ones that grind hard everyday. That aren't pretentious tryna floss and act like they're something they're not. Real ass niggas working real hard to get what they need and what they want. I dunno. I know what I know and even when i know its not right I can't let go of it. The only person I spend any time with is my boyfriend. Who is married. This is bout as unhealthy as it gets. Its crazy. We've known each other over a year and I never ever ever looked at him in that way!!!! I SWEAR I DIDNT! HE WAS LIKE MY BUDDY MAN! REALLY my friend!! He would tell me EVERYTHING and vice versa! He knows all about Aggy and E and Spivey and Desiree and LEah and my relationship with my dad and the rapes.. he knows MORE ABOUT ME THAN ALMOST ANYONE other than aggy and pebs i suppose lol
he knows more about me than my mom. And i know just as much about him. He used to ask me for advice I even know about his sexual history *cough* and some how we've ended up together. I used to describe my relationship with him as "he's like a dad to me" he's old. 47 to be exact. He's been married 3 times before, this is wife number 4. AND TRUST ME EVEN WITHOUT ME THEY'd be on the ROCKS! TRUST ME NOT JUSTIFYING MY POSITION BUT TRUST ME!
i really dont know what i'm doing. One thing i had always vowed was never to date a married man. Since I've moved to altanta there have been married men all over the place tryna hit on me. ANd i always said no. I dont know what happened this time. When i had my surgery adn was on best rest for that month he was here every day helping out dropping things by justtalking to me. About 2 months after i was better we went out to talk, had a few drinks and ended up in my bed. After that he called me every day asking me out, giving me money, taking me to dinner, buying champagne.. to the point where it became over whelming. I had to step back and it scared the fuck outta me. This man is MARRIED! So i started declining his invitations. I had fucked up, Then he told me he was in love with me. ANd I RAN FASTER! i went to dc for 2 weeks just to get away from him. When i got back he told me he didn't know why i was refusing his calls and running from him but he loved me and if i couldn't handle being with him he'd leave me alone because all he wants for me is to be happy even if that means without him. and it scared me. I didn't want him gone. The hard part about ending this is that i genuinely love him. I loved him before the first time he kissed me. When we were just friends I loved him. I had vowed to myself that I would always know him and be there for him like a daughter even on his death bed I wanted to be there. Thats how close we were as friends. SO i guess when the line was crossed sexually there was no going back in my heart. This is hardddd. I just love being around him. We finish each other's sentences, WE speak to each other through our eyes, everyone that knows us says we're attatched at the hip. When I first told Des about him she was pissed! and so anti the relationship. AFter she came to visit here and met him she said "it hurts my heart because before you meet him its easy to hate him for being a married man dating you. But when you know him you can't help but love him. He's so personable and funny and you can just see in the way that he looks at you that he loves you very much. He really really loves you, you all sync so well i just wish he wasn't married"
Me too Des. Me too. It makes me question love a lot. I met love once with Aggy and I wasn't emotionally ready or mature enough to make it right. Now i've got it again and for the 2nd time its not in the right package. Fleming said an unhappy married person is the same as a single person. Is that true? Some days I feel like God made him just for me. So why has he had 4 wives? And he cheats on her. But is that that much different than me? Ive cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had. ALL OF THEM and i'm quite sure if I had married them I'd have cheated then too. Can i judge him when I've done the same things? Am i just trying to justify my wrong my thinking maybe that God's granted us each other to finally get it right? EVen though its not quite wrapped in a neat little package?
Everytime david sees us he takes out imaginary scissors and cuts between us HA! I've never asked him to leave his wife. But he's asked me to marry him. He's also asked me to have his child. *sigh* I never wanted children. Now i do. When i see kids I feel this rope pulling in my chest towards them. I want kids. I'd have his kid. We thought I was pregnant and I wasn't. Who knows what will happen.

So I think i'm gonna take this real estate class over my spring break. One of my customers gave me the software for the online course he took sO i'm gonna go head and take it. Depending on how well I do on it if I pass I'll try and get a position at a real estate firm. We'll see.

Alright time for the gym.

Love,
Rica (thats what he calls me. it means sweet in spanish)

2006-03-21/9:24 p.m.