Ressurecting Mingus....
For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself. Romans 14:7 sometimes you have to laugh. Not because it's funny, just because you saw it coming and kept smiling as it pulled you under. I asked him why he wasn't married. He said that most women didn't want a healthy black man. I was speechless.... every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand. Matthew 12:25 She called him a dormant dog. Said like any other nigga all he needed was activation. I didn't believe her. Sometimes its the little things, like feeling my heartbeat or hearing myself breathe, that make me know i'm not supposed to die like this. I still slip and say his name sometimes, reach for him in my sleep. i actually started sleeping with a pillow between my legs. Thats the hard part of letting go. Trying to ease someone from your dreams. I can't stop myself from wondering why some people work and we didn't. Maybe it was my imagination, maybe it was just me hoping. I lay there wide awake, knowing i would have let him back into my bed. Gladly. i wouldn't have asked any questions, I wouldn't have brought up the past. We would have just BEEN. no context, no pretext. just two people who loved each other suspended outside of reality. outside of my feelings. i wouldn't have remembered how much he hurt me or how i'd lost everything in a matter of seconds. i would have given up everything just to keep him. not even forever, just for a little while. just for that night. i would give up everything valuable to me...just for him to hold me. for him to kiss me on the forehead and tell me everything is going to be alright. thats what makes me know the emptiness is bigger than him. how do u trust someone else more than you trust yourself? Almost like it never happened...but it did happen. i felt safe..like finally in my life i was doing something for me. something that had nothing to do with anyone else. i should have left sooner. its like i thought i was going to stop breathing when i did. i left anyway. i can only die so many times in this life. and maybe death's not what i've been afraid of....
2003-12-04/3:41 a.m.